I grew up in a place where everyone was black like me. The Igbos had a honey-caramel tint to their blackness, the Hausas had an ashy-matte tone to their blackness, and the Yorubas (my tribe) had a chocolaty feel to their blackness. We were all black. Racism meant nothing to me back then. If anything, nuanced prejudice across tribal divides existed. Watch this short documentary (English captioning added). Well worth the 9 minutes of your time.
Racism first hit me when I moved to the US as a teenager but I really didn’t understand it. When someone used a derogatory term against me solely based on the color of my skin, my body language reaction was more like “Okay? So how am I supposed to react to that? It doesn’t faze me.” I was more fazed by young people talking rudely to and disrespecting their elders. My beef was always cultural because of my Nigerian roots.
The longer I lived in the US, the more I learned about racism. That there were people who didn’t like me solely because of the color of my skin. That I was already being judged from a distance before ever walking up close and saying a word. That I had to work twice as hard to prove that I knew what the heck I was talking about, let alone how to code the software I was developing. I learned more about this but it didn’t cut through my skin because it wasn’t something I had to deal with as a child. The US kept trying to stuff me into a box that wasn’t my size so I just kept elbowing my way out.
If my home country didn’t stuff me into a box, why would I let this new host country do that?
As I began to travel solo, I encountered a spectrum of treatments – from being chased out of a store in Luxembourg which brought me to tears, to being harassed at each border crossing while traveling through Eastern Europe to breaking down the “staredown”, and I have written about handling stereotypes while traveling.
But racism and specific black experiences were never really the main focus of my writing because they didn’t need to be. The occasional racist comment trying to ruffle my feathers usually doesn’t. They’re disheartening for sure but I usually chuck them up to ignorant buffoons with nothing better to do with their time. And gladly, they’ve been few and far between.
This year, trolls welcomed me into 2012 with a “Lola f**king n**gger” and another comment referencing Hitler on my photo blog. Ironically, they were left under a blog post of fireworks kicking off the new year where everyone else was wishing me “Gott Nytt År!”
Normally, I’d just do what I do – delete – and I did. But something this time around really unsettled me. I tried to forget about it but I couldn’t. I was pregnant at the time. I was bringing a child into a world where, in 2012, people are still being hated on just because God decided to create them black. This crazy world I was bringing my child into who, before she was born, was already hated on because of the color of her skin.
With the recent news of Trayvon Martin, the racist shootings in France, and people pissed about black actors being cast in freaking fictional movies, it’s an absolute shame.
There are many reasons why people don’t want to have children, and this is clearly one of them. As I’ve experienced the very worst of man, I’ve also experienced people at their best, and at their best, they radiate a light so bright, so warm, so loving that it immediately overpowers the darkness, and basking in its glow is a blessing.
Not only do I want my daughter and any future children I have to bask in this loving glow of others, I also want them to radiate theirs so brightly and compassionately that it warms others up while exposing racist trolls in their hiding places.
@Erica – Thanks! It’s really sad indeed. This is 2012.
@Julie – Thanks so much!
Lola-
I’m so sorry you experienced this. Sending you much love and light and courage.
Sorry you had to experience that. It’s sad that this behavior still exists in the 21st century.
I love the last sentence of your post!
@Amanda – Thanks so much and not at all. I completely understand. I also love that you acknowledge the fact that being born white isn’t a choice but that this world has superficially attached “privilege” to it. Thanks for your continued support.
@Perlina – I’m so sorry to hear about your sister’s experience, as well as yours while living in France. It seems that the world is raising a new generation of racists that are spreading like wildfire due to social media. As always, thanks!
@Akila – Thanks for your insightful comments! I definitely get where you’re coming from. Instead of wringing our hands, we should always shame and out racist behaviors. Another way of totally frustrating someone is to ignore them completely. Since it’s intrinsic human nature to want to be acknowledged and to matter, silence and ignoring someone can frustrate and anger on a different level.
@Diana – You’re absolutely right. And Akila eluded to this as well. We should always try to shame racists whenever we can.
@Ekua – Great to hear from you and thanks for chiming in! Absolutely. Like you, I’m so grateful for my African roots because they add a cultural grounding to my life. All I can do is be honest and share how we experience things – whether I get riled up about certain racial issues or not.
@Carolina – Thanks! Racism does exist everywhere and Sweden is no exception. There’s even a racist party that has a few seats in the government. The problem here is that it’s well hidden through “cultural exclusion”. So in terms of being outright, they simply “exclude” foreigns and immigrants who could be contributing vitally to their country, yet since it’s also a very open country accepting a lot of refugees, they point to that track-record as a reason why they never could be “racist”. Very interesting dynamics here.
@Roz (Fly Girl) – Thanks so much and also for writing about your experiences with your daughter. Just gut-wrenching to witness that directed to one’s child.
@Pam – I totally get where you’re coming from. It’s the same way I struggle to find words when someone is grieving. And I can imagine all the nasties still being said in countries like Austria and Germany. Thanks for chiming in, always!
I’m genuinely shocked when I experience racism, regardless of its direction, color, religion, whatever, I’m shocked. I find myself speechless, which is bad, because really, if I could just form the words “That sounds rather racist,” I’d be doing something, anything. My life in Austria was hard partly because of this — people would just say things that would stun me, just stun me, and I’d be left reeling. I kind of wanted a whistle to wear around my neck so I could just blow it rather than struggle to find the words.
I delete the minimal amount of haters I get on my blog. And in Austria, instead of blowing the whistle, I would just end the conversation. “It’s time to go now,” I would say, and I would get up and get my coat and head for the car. It’s not ideal, but it was what I had at the time.
I wish i had something smarter to say, but I’ll just say how sorry I am that you had to experience it. It’s not right and should never, ever be tolerated.
Oh, Lola, thank you for tackling this topic. It really makes you tired to have to address the same issues over and over but if we don’t it will never change. I hope that we do develop a more open and tolerant society by the time Emilie comes of age, it’s heartbreaking to have to watch your children be subjected to racism. I just blogged about a racist experience with TSA that I had to watch my daughter endure and it’s hard to stay hopeful when you witness that.
I have to say that I identified with this post. I also came to the US when I was 16 from South America. I am a tanned Latina (brownish color..I guess) and before I moved to the State, I never faced discrimination because of my color. Of course, wealthy Latin people will look down on you, if you did not have money and social class but that is different from race.
Like you I learned about racism when I moved to the US and you really have to have a thick skin to no let it bother you. Unlike you, I do get angry and I will tell them off if I see that I am treated differently just because of my color. And yes, I am also in the technical field as an application support analyst/software tester/trainer…and obliviously I speak with a Spanish accents therefore I am always asked for a written sample. It does not bother me at all. Like you said, you end up working harder to show what you can do.
And unlike you, I had a very bad experience with a Swede. His family is a closed racist (his parents/sister) and I had one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life. Let just say that if Swedes are like the one that I met then I will say single forever..lol. ..No another Swede in my lifetime. But Racism exists everywhere and one has to be fortunate to meet the right people at the right time.
And I have to say that we end up being guilty of stereotyping people. Even though my sister is married with a black guy and I should know better, I am sometimes surprised when I hear a black woman speak correctly and she is a professional. …it is an unfortunate situation that we end up doing what we know is wrong.
The point is that at least in the US, you know that there is racism and you have a chance to fight it in little ways….but when I had the Swedish experience, I was completely taken by surprise (specially when you hear about how Swedes are open to different races) and it does hurt your soul to be treated that way just because of your color…specially when you expected something different from a swede….
Thanks for speaking so candidly about this. I think it’s important that people understand other people’s realities – too often I’ve experienced the, “It’s nothing!” response from people who don’t have to deal with this sort of thing and don’t want to believe that it exists. So I think it’s important that people honestly and firmly share their experiences as you have done here.
It definitely is a challenge to think about raising a kid in world that is not changing fast enough. But I think it will help your little one to have a strong role model to guide her and look up to. For me, having parents who were really proud of their Ghanaian culture and shared that with me helped me immensely as a first generation American. I can’t say it got me through my angsty teen years, but beyond that, it helped make me proud and strong enough to withstand all sorts of BS… and definitely to live like the awesome quote in your blog header!
Thanks for putting the magnifying glass over an issue that the media and many people will deny. I believe that the new racism is denying that there is racism.
One problem is that we as a population tend to wring our hands over the attitudes of racists when in fact what we need to be doing is changing our reactions to racists. By mocking the people who assume that race matters (as in the Hunger Games issue), by demanding justice (as I hope will be done in Trayvon’s case), and by working every single day to show that we as individuals do not approve of racism (whether it’s with a simple suggestion that what someone says is wrong or full blown outrage), we shame racism and racist behaviors.
The worst thing is when people assume that racism doesn’t exist anymore because they turn a blind eye to it or minimize other people’s racist tendencies. There’s a fantastic TED talk on this subject here titled simply “We need to talk about an injustice”: http://www.ted.com/talks/bryan_stevenson_we_need_to_talk_about_an_injustice.html
So, maybe the next time somebody writes a racist post in your comments, an idea might be to shame that person for that foul attitude rather than simply deleting the post. Deleting might be the high road but shaming might be the road that makes a difference. I don’t know . . . . it’s just food for thought, I guess. (And, yes, I too think about this subject a lot.)
Hej,
After riding what you have wrote i wanted to write back without waiting a minute.
I grew up in different countries, and sometimes i was the only black in the classroom. For me we were all the same. No black, no white, we were just students. But sometimes there were things who made me feel inconfortable. When something was missing in the classroom some were looking at me.
I didn’t really feel that it was racism and i was too young to put a word in they look. Now i live in France, and i know what is racism. I am sorry to say and to notice that years after years France becomes more and more racist.
And sometimes they say racist things without notice that it’s racism.
My sister wrote a letter to complain about a situation. And when she met the man of the administration who has received the letter he told her : You will think that i am racist but i would like to tell you that your letter was perfect for a black. He wanted to say that because she was black she couldn’t make such a perfect letter. I was chocked and she was chocked also. She went to school, to the university. She worked with lawyers…And for them it’s not enough !!!
I have read the words some people put in your blog and i was chocked !!! And i feel sad. Why some people feel this need to hate other people just because of the color of the skin !!! ????
I am really sorry about that. In my family we have black, white and my father just told us that his grand father was chinese. My best friends come from France, Monaco, Russia, Sweden…
Racism it’s an aberration.
We are all human being and have the right to have respect and not to be hated and judged because of the color of the skin.
That’s what i wanted to say. Sorry if you find some error, my english sometimes sucks.
Have a nice day
I’ve always felt unnecessarily and undeservedly “privileged” to be white. I’m not sure if privileged is the right word – I just mean that I don’t face any of this racism and that is just by the “luck” that am I white. And I have never and will never understand why and how people can have such extreme issues with racial differences – what brings a stranger to write nasty things on your blog like that? It makes no sense to me. I don’t want to sound condescending at all Lola but I feel bad for you that you have had to endure these experiences. But I’m sure you’ll raise your beautiful daughter to be able to deal with it with as much grace as you do.